Hoping to recover from last year’s painful attempt at making the show appealing to diverse audiences, the Golden Globes returns to its roots by featuring predominantly white nominees and Ricky Gervais, an actually funny host. Aware of the risk the comedian is taking, Hollywood Foreign Press agreed to cover all security expenses, including screen time for his lawyer. “We know we are the pre-game awards. People come here to dine, get shitfaced and piss all over each other. That’s what we do, that’s what we are good at. If we lose this, people who aren’t good enough for The Oscars will never get that one night where they get to hook up with the ones who are,” sighs a spokesperson from The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, reminiscing on the comedically insulting yet politically correct performance of last year’s hosts. After months of consideration, they decided it was too soon to rehire Amy Poehler and Tina Fey fearing bringing back the iconic duo on top of nominating the same people every year might confuse the audiences into thinking the show is just a rerun. Ricky Gervais, being the only previous host who wrote his own jokes, was the obvious second pick. Determined to revive happy memories, all parties involved are working hard to ensure everything goes according to plan. We hear Jack Nicholson will be in charge of sprinkling Valium in the drinks and Hugh Grant will frantically apply lipstick on Renée Zellweger’s teeth to keep her in the bathroom for the majority of the show.
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